Is This Thing On?

Izel Nava (She/Her)

Editorial Team Member

The way I carry myself is in equal parts delusion and reality. America has deluded me into believing I can achieve my dreams of professional and financial success. Mexico pushes me to submit to being a caretaker, to rot in my childhood home. It’s been a long time since I’ve had the company of my peers, and I know it’s inevitable to sacrifice my ties to my culture the further I take my education. In two years my interaction with my culture would be limited to lighting up when I look across the room and see someone who looks like me. This is why I revel in my last year as Mexican and American. I revel in making the ofrenda for Dia De Muertos, holding my abuelitas hand, speaking Spanish, and setting up the nativity scene.

I’ve had years to prepare for my responsibility to my family, education, and myself. But now that the responsibility will be satisfied in the next four years, I can’t help but think of regret. I’m scared of regretting my career or losing myself to it. I have a script for my future, to make enough money to make my mom, dad, half-brother, sister, and two kids have the luxury of laziness. To sacrifice my happiness for the first twenty years for wealth. To get married, have two children, and own a two-story home. And have a well-earned retirement where I can write stories that won’t make any money. I’ve always had to know everything about myself, but I think I’ve come to terms with being comfortable with being stationary. When I’m in college, I want to be in college. I want to go out without worrying about getting home. I only want to take care of myself. And I don’t want to be exhausted from the back and forth of high school. My independence makes me guilty. But when that guilt fades I’m left with a twisted happiness I’m not comfortable with yet. I’ll be comfortable with it eventually. Like with any relationship I’ll benefit from the time apart.

Becoming an adult doesn’t mean knowing everything, it means having a plan when something goes wrong. It’s balance, dedication, and failure. I hope I do it well and unapologetically. I hope I can recognize myself and most of all, I hope I’m still writing.