Codependency
Annika Fisher-Eddy (she/they)
Editorial Team Member
I recently realized that I’m a codependent person. I’m the type of person who can get really attached to a person I love, to the point where I want to be around them 24/7. I’ve always loved and cared about people, and I’ve always cherished my relationships with friends and family. But when it gets to the point when I neglect other things in my life so I can hang out with them because not being around them makes me depressed, it can cause problems. I’ve always known I can be clingy, but I’ve never been to this extent before. Until now.
As I’ve written about several times, I’m a junior in high school this year, and I’m in the most amazing friend group I’ve ever been in. These friends are my best friends right now, and we all understand and relate to each other so incredibly well and I’ve never had friends that I can relate to this much before, which is why I’ve cherished my friendship with these people so much.
At the time I’m writing this, it’s the first Saturday of Thanksgiving break. I’ve been dreading this break because I know that it means I won’t get to see my friends for an entire week. I already can’t stand not seeing them for two days on weekends, so this week will be hard.
This isn’t the first time I’ve felt this way about someone. I’ve felt this way in romantic relationships before. Last year, I hated weekends when I didn’t get to see the guy I was dating at the time. I remember there was one day last year when he took a day off from school, and I couldn’t stand not seeing him that day. And I remember crying on the Friday before spring break because I wasn’t going to see him for a week since he wasn't going on the annual school band spring trip. And I didn’t end up enjoying the spring trip, not only because I didn't really have any good friends in band, but also because I missed him. A lot.
Which is why I know this week will be hard for me. I cried last night because I won’t see my friends for a week. And I know we’re all going to miss each other, but they also have other things that make them happy that they can do to keep their off of it.
But I realized the other day that I think I kind of rely on my friends for my happiness. I’ve realized that when I’m around them, I’m ecstatic, and I feel amazing. But when I’m not around them, I feel really sad, and all I can think about is the fact that I want to see my friends. I get to see them every morning when I get to school, and on most days, we eat together during lunch. And any other time of the day, I miss them so much to the point where I can’t think about anything other than them. And it’s gotten to the point now where I’m starting to neglect my grades, my other friends, and even my physical health so I can be around them.
I noticed the first sign of this on Halloween. I usually ride the bus to school, and I get to school around 7:30. School starts at 8:15, so it gives me about 45 minutes to hang out with my friends before school. But on Halloween, my mom drove me to school. My costume was really involved, so I wouldn’t have had time to put my costume on and still get to the bus on time. A friend of mine, a friend who’s completely separate from my friend group, came over to my house that morning to help me with my costume and then we drove to school together. By the time we were finished with my costume and we headed to school, it was already 7:45. There was a lot of traffic that morning, so we ended up getting to school at 8:11. That whole way to school I was really stressed and anxious about the fact that I wouldn’t have time to see my friend group before school started that morning. In fact, I was so anxious about it that as soon as we pulled up at the school, I didn’t wait for my friend to gather her things so we could walk in together, instead I abandoned her and ran into the school as fast as I could so I could see my friend group before class started. Once I was in class I realized I was rude to my other friend and I felt bad. It’s not that I care more about my friend group than I care about her, but she might have taken it that way. I apologized to her later and luckily she wasn’t mad, because she’s an amazing friend too, but to someone else it could have.
The second sign that I noticed is that I usually get breakfast from school when I get there because I don’t have time to eat before I catch the bus. But for the past two weeks or so, while I still always end up getting breakfast, I never want to because I don’t want to leave them for five minutes to get breakfast from the cafeteria, even though I’m always super hungry in the morning. The only reason I always end up getting food is because my friends tell me I should. Which shows how much they care about me and my health. But they recently banned eating in the library because some people were making a mess in there. The library is where my friends and I hang out in the morning. So now I have to eat breakfast in the hallway before going into the library to see them, when before I could grab my breakfast from the cafeteria and then eat it in the library while I’m with my friends. Since they banned eating in the library, I’ve dreaded getting breakfast even more, since it takes even more time since I can’t eat with them anymore. I’ve also started sneaking out of the class I have right before lunch early so that I can get through the lunch line in one minute so I don’t lose any time with my friends, which shows that I’m breaking rules so I can spend more time with as well.
The last sign is something that I’m currently dealing with. There’s an English test that I failed. The times when I can retake it are in the morning and during lunch on the Tuesday and Wednesday after we get back from break. The morning and during lunch. The two times I see my friends during the day. Because of that, I’m debating not retaking the test because even though I want to get a better grade on the test, I would have to miss seeing my friends to retake it. Normally, I’d retake the test without even questioning it because I want a better grade and I can tolerate not seeing my friends for one time. But because these friends are better friends than any other friends I’ve ever had and I can’t stand to not see them even once, I’m debating not retaking the test and neglecting my grades so I can see my friends. Because I know I won’t be happy unless I see them.
There are other things in life that I enjoy. I enjoy writing. In fact, I love writing and being part of this magazine is amazing. I also love playing drums. But lately, I haven’t been very motivated to do the things I love because I’ve been so burnt out from school. So currently, the main thing in life that makes me happy is my friend group. Which is why I know this week will be hard for me. I won’t be able to be with the one thing that makes me happy. And I already miss them a ton. I cried last night because I was dreading not seeing them for a week. And everyone else at school has been so excited about the break. But I’m not excited. I know I’m going to hate it.
Being codependent on people is something I need to work on. It’s good that I have people that make me so happy, but I need to have other things in my life that also make me happy so that I’m not depressed when I can’t see them. It’s also good that I can cherish my relationships with people this much, and care about others as much as I do. But it’s not good when it starts influencing the rest of my life. I know I’m not the only codependent person in the world. That’s why there’s a name for it. But I also know it’s not good to be dependent on someone else for happiness. So my goal over the break is to try and enjoy my hobbies and keep my mind off my friends.