There’s Nothing to do at home

Alyssa Pendon (she/her)

Editorial Team Member

“There's nothing to do at home” is a phrase I’ve told my parents for years. Meaning I have nothing to do at home, and being outside would be much better. When I was younger, I would be bored being at home. It’s not that I didn’t love my family or didn’t have things to do; I just felt like there was much more to do beyond my childhood home. So as I’ve felt this for years, I started to make myself busy, by doing various extracurriculars to be able to do something with my life. Now, every day for the past couple of months, I’ve felt like all I have done is work. Whether it’s academic work for school, volunteering somewhere, or participating in an event for an extracurricular, I am always busy. This lifestyle is something I’ve cultivated for myself, that’s for sure, because I simply just like being busy. I can’t “sit still,” if you will.  I always feel the need to be doing something whether it's productive or not. And sometimes this is really nice. I have been blessed to be able to experience so many things I never thought I would be able to do before. But as time has passed, I’ve spent more and more time outside of the house and less at my home; I’ve realized how much pressure I’ve put on myself. 

It’s not because of me being busy, but what I put my energy into and the amount of pressure I put myself under. Everything for me right now is about school and the growth of myself. All the things I do — which is almost too much — are a lot, even though I can handle it; all my activities have meaning to me. Either I really like it and it helps me grow, or it will help my college applications and resumes down the line. By doing all these extracurriculars, I have been having fun and growing and learning so many new things. But I have almost become too overwhelmed sometimes. I feel that I have so much, and I almost spread myself out too thin, but whenever there is a new opportunity, I always jump to it. It almost feels like there's something wrong with me, but I know I can handle it. But even knowing my tendency to want to work on everything, I need to remind myself to relax sometimes. The opportunities that come my way might still be here, but I need to take time for myself, too. Taking time for myself isn’t a bad thing, but the pressure has told me it is. 

But this makes me start to wonder, andI’ve realized that I can’t plunge myself into too many activities at once and need to relax. But why do I constantly have the hunger for more? And what pressures me into keeping this mindset? I think if I think about it for a little bit, I can see why I have subconsciously told myself that I must work crazily hard all the time. Because a lot of it comes from the content I consume online and the high standards I put myself up to. 

I’m not one to compare myself to others, as I’ve always been sure and confident of myself. But seeing other people accomplish great things makes me want to accomplish great things too. When I go onto TikTok and scroll, I see tons of normal funny videos but a lot of the content I consume is related to school, work, or success. I am always being fed about different stats and resumes that other students had as they graduated high school. Or things people are doing in their adult lives that make me yearn for what comes next when I get to leave everything I know. Seeing content that shows amazing feats from other people makes me want to do something with my life too. When I see someone on TikTok who has founded and runs their own nonprofit, wrote a research paper, went on to win national awards, and studied abroad somehow all in four years of high school. It makes me want to do something. And at the same time, I know I have done a lot in the almost two years I’ve been in high school. But even though I know I have accomplished many things, I still feel the need to do even more. I think subconsciously when I graduate from high school, I want to have a stunning resume with amazing test scores and extracurriculars and have the best essays I could possibly write, since I constantly see resumes on my feed that look amazing.  But I’ve been so focused on doing the most so these resumes will look good. I have adopted the mindset that I won’t get into any college if I don’t have a crazy resume. I have seen so many people who have crazy resumes that have gotten into “the good schools” but have also seen people that didn’t get into those same schools when they have worked so hard. This constant push to do so much in only four years of high school has surrounded me in all aspects of my life, and I can’t seem to get out of it. And at the end of the day, even though it’s scary to admit, I understand that I’m scared I won’t be able to achieve things in my life. That I will stay in the same hometown I’ve grown up in, not seeing the world and not gaining new experiences. I know this fear isn’t actually going to happen, and knowing me, I will accomplish the goals I have in life. But it feels like if I don’t do everything now, I won’t be able to go to the colleges I want to attend or achieve anything. 

I want to be able to leave the place I’ve known all my life and go someplace that’s bigger. And I realized the constant pushing on myself to do more is just to ignore myself from the stress and fear I have of “not making it.” I’ve realized that I can be home sometimes and take the rest I need. But I also know that it’s okay to be afraid. I need to follow my heart, and it will take me where I belong.